My Spring Walk, A Branch, A Return To Self, Full-Circle
To be visible is to entertain vulnerability with warm hands and a strong stomach.
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This morning, I did my practices and then decided to go on my first jog outside in almost two years. Without planning it, I made my way through unknown streets with one vision in mind: Trinity Bellwoods, a nearby park. The weather forecast was windy with 85% chance of rain but I committed to this plan the night before and I wanted to see it through. On my morning adventure, I saw new storefronts and happy produce stands, bright with morning smiles balancing out the grey of the day. It was chilly and not quite springy in vibes just yet. Soon, I meet the steps up to the park and I rushed in like I was meeting an old friend.
This was a happy place. I looked around and I could sense the world around coming back to life, slowly and surely, despite the visual barrenness of it all. And when I leaned in for a closer look, I found buds dotting branches, tiny yellow wildflowers sprouting in odd corners of the splotchy winter-worn grass, and bright robin bellies hopping about, affirming my sentiments—intuition. The energy shift is here, and is simply taking its divine time to become.
Looking back, I’m amazed with the way nature is so secure in their changes. I try to be more like them; natural. But today, and what feels like most of my life, I’m not so sure of I was really made in their image. Then again, I went on this jog wearing just a sweater and leggings in 5ºC windy Toronto weather. Maybe it’s just my mind not having the practice to fully understand how capable, present, and powerful I am to simply be alive in this moment and choose to show up and dream up in all the whatever ways I can. Maybe with this perspective, I can acknowledge that I change as naturally as nature too; every second, without flinching.
What’s making me insecure then? Why am I not seeing myself in nature when nature is me? What is security to me? What is my nature?
I felt like I was gliding through the park, strong cold gusts pushing me every which way. My eyes were darting at every part of the park, searching for something I didn’t know I was looking for until I found it: fallen branches. Next to one of the first trees to welcome me in was a 4ft tall branch in the shape of a V. This felt like a gift and I received it with giddiness. I bend over and picked it up (it had a companion branch so, I had two). I embraced them like children. I walked away so proudly but then realized I forgot to thank the generous tree! After all, it allowed the wind to snap a part of itself for the ground to meet, and then it graciously presented it to me. I walked back, shifted the branches to my right arms, then outstretched my left to wrap around the rough trunk, pressing my entire left side of my body and face on the skin of tree. I whispered, “thank you”. Curious that even at my moment in giving grace, I was receiving, still. That is nature; non-transactional, abundantly giving, and a mirror amplifying what already is, never without or scarce.
I looked around for a spot, a bench, to have some tea and a light breakfast then headed back the opposite way I came, bringing me home in a forward, clock-wise, and full-circle manner. I walked a new pathway, meeting new-same storefronts except this time I wasn’t jogging, I was strolling, having my time with the branches close to my heart, heading home with more strength than when I left.
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Maybe the natural security I have been looking for all my life has nothing to do with the world around me or the reflections of this life, but the choices I make to be in-tune with the unfolding of each moment. Maybe the refinements I’ve made to my consciousness of the present moment is to allow myself to be more of a witness of my secure in my nature, of my truth. Maybe it was never about becoming more of what I see or know to be strong in this world, in life itself, but to simple see and cherish who I am, as I am, and all the growth that is and ever was, me.
May is not a season of becoming, it is the permission I give myself to be my Self, as I am.
