What’s My Breakthrough? Grief Into Wisdom: Head Of Growth.
A night ago, I found myself rock-heavy on my bed—ChatGPT in one palm and the other resting on my hip. My cats were by my feet, and I had a safe roof over my head. I trusted the people around me enough to live with them, and I was surrounded by calm nature. Still, my heart was heavy, and my mind was trying to help me sort out the feelings.
My life is not where I want it to be. I kept thinking of all the ways I had failed myself to be in the position that I’m in: healthy, building my business, clearly connected to my Sacred Source, happily in family with my cats, and citizen of a country that ensures my value. And that’s the breakthrough for today—the realization that I wasn’t valuing of the position I am in today. I was focusing my thought on all the things I had cleared, released, changed, and transformed in order to be the woman I am today and the aspects of my life (financial disability) that is recovering from that process. I was giving my energy to experiences I had already let go of and not yet achieved — imaginary things that have no place in my present. I was tending to the pain I felt from witnessing aspects of my life that were unwell for me, and I thought that was all failure for not yet meeting the goals I set out for myself.
The breakthrough after all of that is this: I came through. Out of support and care that I allowed myself to see — I can call it what it was—for real this time; not some self-inflicted torture that belittles my growth and strength all these years (self-gaslight), nor some egoic stance of hyper-importance (narcissism). It was grief. I was feeling grief and I was grieving. I thought that grief was a measure of my personal value and the quality of my wellbeing.
Months ago, a founder of an online wellness company responded to one of my private messages and invited me to be a contributor. The company was founded to support widows and help them navigate the grief journey, and my work as The True Love Specialist would have been a great addition. I knew the value of my work, and this message came the day after I was fired from a yoga studio where I experienced discrimination and workplace abuse. This offer felt like a gift from destiny—a genuine support system for the growth I hoped to gain for my work and for my own wellbeing after years of suffering and self-reclamation.
After some time and exposure to the people leading the company, I sensed that it wasn’t the right space and structure for me. It was a hard decision to make. Exercising my boundaries and standards of living included the quality of my workplace and means of income. Leaving this opportunity felt incredibly sad because I was financially vulnerable and healing from abuse. I thought to myself, When people show me how they respond to my gifts, they are telling me how they intend to treat my love. So, I stayed in integrity and bravely left the company. It was my financial circumstances or the health of my soul. My work was never to be seen in their space again. A few months later, I was facing heavier challenges and chose to reach out to as many people as I knew who might be willing to help, including this founder. Despite having left their offer, I came forward personally, a human in need. My message was left on “seen.” I thought to myself, When people show me how they respond to my challenges, they are telling me how they intend to treat my life. This showed on both the professional and personal human level, I would never receive support from this founder in the ways that honour my soul, so I turned right into my self-worth, despite the pain and challenges. I trusted that I would meet the support I need financially elsewhere — that with time, I would stand on my own again and never be in this position — especially when I validate the values of my soul.
Sometimes, we talk about grief in the context of losing someone or something. It’s a physical reality we can clearly understand: it was once there, and now it’s gone. Anyone touched by grief knows that the physical loss is only one aspect of grief. Whether we are equipped with the language and dialogue to fully comprehend it or not, we know—on deep and unknown levels—that grief is multidimensional. The feelings transcend all understanding we know, even with the science and history we’ve collected has a human race. It often feels like we’re touching on the themes of grief but to truly speak of it, to know it, one must have had a relationship with grief itself. Most times, grief is of another plane all together; meeting us on the emotional, spiritual, and mental planes — personal spaces that only we have access to. We can name these feelings as grief when we sail through life rather than distorting our senses into self-harming noise and actions.
When I recall my rejections and job losses, I feel such grief. When I recall the shame and discriminations I felt from people and places that have power over an aspect of my life, I feel such grief. When I think about all the resources I’ve lost, I feel such grief. Grief has been very close to my sense of disempowerment in life. I felt closed in by grief because I associated grief with loss of power and self-value.
Here’s the breakthrough; today, grief evolves and transforms into a something beyond what I perceived it to be. What if grief wasn’t a symbol of my disempowerment? What if grief is a friend—a gift that Source had given me in this human journey to help process inevitable loss and changes that come by simply being human? What if grief is the strength that directs the path ahead, towards the growth I foresee. What if my evolution is tied to the evolution of how I relate to my grief? How would grief say to me then?
My greatest breakthrough now, as an artist, entrepreneur, and personal development specialist is that Grief is now my best friend. Grief tells me the truth; that I am loved, that I have grown, that life is complicated and painful sometimes, that I will get through the challenges, and that I have all the power I need to invest in my own personal values and growth. Grief replaces all that I’ve lost, yes. And I know it now as the wisdom that has been set upon my head. Grief reminds me who, what, where, when, how, and why I need to nourish and invest in my life. Grief is a divine and sacred beingness present in every moment of my life, here with me now. Grief reminds me I have seen the truth in the people, places, and things around me and that it was okay to walk away, to follow my heart, to call out boundaries, and to try new things for the sake of wellbeing and soulful living. Grief says, Be intentional and that most often means be slow and soft about your recovery. Grief says, Your path to genuine recovery does not cost the inner wealth you’ve cultivated in your healing journey — true recovery will never ask you to compromise your gifts — recovery is the further empowerment of what is, so that all else that will overflow into it. Grief says, I see you, I am with you, I. know you.
Transformation is a delicate, intimate, nuanced, radical, and involuntary process. Whether we engage in it or not, we are always transforming and changing. Grief was my state loss—an idea in my life that I felt was meant to be eternal, never-ending. Leaving behind grief in the limited state I understood it to be was the block in my life and wellbeing. With this new breath I breathe about Grief, to have Grief as a close ally and truth-teller in my life, I can hear it’s most meaningful messages to me. Grief tells me how strong I am to choose my Self and capable I am to meet what’s ahead with the strength very few choose to hold with such grace and honour.
All the dread I’ve felt all these months are slowly lifting. Grief lets me rest in the recognition that I follow the rhythms of time and space, not only human needs. After I had a deep and insightful conversation with other entrepreneurs in this Airbnb I’m in now, I felt more grounded. We all assured one another that our world has changed, in ways we have yet to fully integrate into our lives and sharing our challenges and successes with one another created an air of assurance that we can make our own way through. I felt the world inside me shift as well, to see my circumstances in a new light that maybe I hadn’t seen before.
“Have you journaled and asked yourself what a breakthrough means for you? It is the millions and hundreds of thousands, but what if maybe it’s also about breaking it down so small that you can create the breakthroughs yourself, rather than leaving it all to chance?” said a guest to me when I shared my anxiety about unmet milestones.
And it brought me here, writing in my journal. And even though I had every intention to list all the goals and milestones that I thought would make a breakthrough into my financial success, instead, I wrote about my inner discovery—a golden grain of sand to build my castle with— that my true breakthrough was my choice to see the light of transformation in Grief.
This breakthrough has;
given me the opportunity to express my raw feelings, rather than hiding it within
exercised my ability to speak to people about my feelings
exercised my communication abilities
exercised my courage to make new friends
encouraged me to eat well
slowed me down to rest softly and surrender my stress to another day where I may be stronger to handle them
reassured the source of my wealth and wellbeing.
We have a choice, in all ways, to make our breakthroughs into what’s most empowering for us, especially in times when we feel loss of control. That inner strength to transform anything that isn’t making us efficient and well in our lives is a sacred one—a gift only Self can give.
